I’m addicted to “House hunters. “This is not an admission, because I don’t feel guilty. The voyeuristic reality show HGTV about watching other people buy houses has recorded 210 seasons since its debut in 1999, suggesting that porn homemade could rival real porn in popularity.
Obviously, I’m not the only one fascinated by spying on strangers as they debate city versus countryside, move-in versus catering, or white kitchen versus dark kitchen. (Okay, House Hunters fan friends. You can step out of the closet.) So far, however, the show has not become my gateway to other HGTV programs. I resisted the charms of “Love It or List It”, “Flip or Flop”, “Rehab Addict” and similar shows.
This changed on January 1, when the network launched its “HGTV 2022 Dream Homespecial. Each year, HGTV offers a brand new, custom-built luxury home in a posh location like Newport, RI; Martha’s Vineyard, Mass .; Sonoma, Calif .; or Winter Park, Colo.
This year’s home is in Warren, Vermont, a short walk from Sugarbush Resort. This is actually the second dream house built in the Green Mountains: the 2011 house is in Stowe. Because it is of course.
The Warren House is fully equipped, decked out in furnishings and decor chosen by the show host and Atlanta-based interior designer. Brian Patrick Flynn, with the help of the designer from Los Angeles Breegan jane. The contest winner receives the house, a 2022 Jeep Grand Wagoneer and $ 250,000 from Rocket Mortgage – all in all, a prize worth over $ 2.4 million. Competitors can register twice a day – once each to hgtv.com and foodnetwork.com – until February 17.
Due in equal parts to a New Years hangover and the house’s location in Vermont, I was powerless to resist “HGTV Dream Home 2022”. The following is my log of the hour-long special, which aired on January 1 at 8 p.m. and is currently airing on demand.
8 p.m.
You can tell it’s an HGTV show by the upbeat intro music that sounds like something you know, but not quite – the musical equivalent of store brand cereal. We open onto aerial shots of green mountains and rolling foothills under a bird’s-blue sky. It’s Vermonty AF. All that’s missing is a covered bridge and a cow.
“Vermont,” says Flynn as we drive along Route 100. “The word combines French green and month to mean ‘green mountain.’ “Just like that, we get a covered bridge and a black and white Bessie in a field in quick succession. Well done, HGTV.
“But over here,” Flynn continues, “green is only half the story.”
The images quickly turn into rusty panoramic visions of autumn.
“This is a dream!” Jane exclaims over images of an undulating stream flanked by red, yellow and orange trees.
“A dream you can live for yourself,” Flynn promises as we get our first glimpses of the house, whose architectural style I would call fucking bonkers.
8:02 p.m.
Flynn describes the multibillion-square-foot parsonage as “cabin chic,” which… of course. As he introduces the team of designers and builders, my girlfriend asks me what I would do if I won the dream home.
” I do not know. Sell our house and live in it, I guess? ” I answer.
“I would keep our house and rent this one,” she retorts.
As Flynn reveals the cash prize, I realize the folly of my response and the genius of his.
A quarter of a million sounds like a lot of money – and it is. But, between property taxes, insurance, utilities, and maintenance, all that’s left of that $ 250,000 after-tax might not go very far into maintaining a $ 2 million home. We would have to Airbnb the house to cover the expenses, I suggest, or sell it after the price money is exhausted.
“We could at least throw some ridiculous parties first,” she said. And I remember once again why I love her.
8:04 p.m.
To more familiar stage music and images of mountains, a barn, a gorge and sailboats on Lake Champlain, Flynn says the dream house “is in one of the most stunningly beautiful places in the world. United States”. Truth.
Flynn explains that he brought in Jane, who has some knowledge of Vermont, to help him get to know the area, which will inform his style choices for the house. After riding a ski lift to the top of Sugarbush to gaze out over the Mad River Valley in the spring, the two make a crucial discovery: Vermont is green.
“I think green is our thing,” observes Flynn.
Later, after Jane raves about state general stores, the duo head to the Warren Store to look at some Vermont stuff – Stephen huneck impressions! Socks! They also take note of the store’s rustic architectural details, like a hatch in the basement and the rusty metal of an old wood stove that they’ll incorporate into the dream home.
I want to spit out the preciousness of it all … until I realize I recently did the same in a Middlebury store, thinking of some lovely decor for my own home.
Touched, HGTV. Touch.
8:06 p.m.
Much of the next half hour focuses on the design and construction of the house. It’s interesting, but here’s all you really need to know: This is a Scandinavian A-frame ski chalet on steroids whose roofline mimics the mountain ridge line. And the outdoor living spaces are bananas, including a heated pool and hot tub, multiple dining / living areas, and an outdoor kitchen which is nicer than my indoor kitchen.
Around the nine-minute mark, HGTV serves up the mandatory stat on Vermont maple syrup: we’re making a ton of shit out of it.
8:20 p.m.
My favorite parts of the show are when Jane guides Flynn through Vermont. They make a fun pair and I love to spy on recognizable landmarks on the screen. It’s kind of like trying to find your home when you fly to BTV – you know you did.
On a charter sailing excursion with Burlington’s Schooner whistling man – note to self: do it this summer – and a stroll through Church Street Marketplace, Flynn suggests he would spend most of his free time in the Queen City if he lived in the Dream Home.
He would actually spend most of that time in the car, as it is a round trip of about two hours. Note to whichever flatlander wins the house: Burlington and Lake Champlain aren’t particularly close to Warren.
8:29 p.m.
Another note for the Dream Home winner: Vermont weather really is as gloomy as it looks in the picnic scene. Jane sets up a lavish display in a field to discuss patio samples with Flynn under a blue sky, only for an unnatural downpour to wash over her moments later.
8:42 p.m.
I know Vermonters can be unbearable buying / eating / drinking / shopping / anything local, but here is something that bothered me. Flynn shines by touting a unique wall app installed by a team of carpenters … from Indianapolis. Unless I missed something, no one working on the house seems to be local.
Couldn’t HGTV have found builders or artisans in Vermont to do some of the work? It’s not like we run out of high end homes or the people who build them.
8:45 p.m.
With construction nearing completion, Flynn is focusing on light fixtures, furniture, and other finishing touches. Which, in the spirit of incorporating all of those Vermont elements he praised, he sources from a brave little mom and pop operation called Wayfair. Sigh.
Right now, it’s clear that the show is in part a glorified commercial for HGTV partners such as Trex Decks, Sleep Number Beds, and Lowe’s. Perhaps this is how it is possible to donate a house for $ 2 million?
8:53 p.m.
Deviousness aside (mostly), the big reveal is astonishing. Flynn’s “luxury cabin” is truly the stuff that dreams are made of. He did an admirable job evoking some idealized aspects of Vermont in his interior design elements, from the impressive sage green kitchen cabinets to faux deer antlers above the double-sided fireplace. He even orientates the furniture to take advantage of the house’s greatest asset: Vermont itself.
Which makes me think maybe, just maybe, the real Vermont dream home is the one we’ve always had …
No, it’s Warren’s.
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