Every Zillow listing right now

Tastefully renovated garage

6001 4th street.
$399,000

If you’re ok with living in the backyard of a shirtless man named Rex who barbecues three hundred and sixty-five days a year and went nocturnal in 2009 and never looked back, this list might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Rex says this one-bedroom, four-hundred-square-foot box was a garage, but I’ve never seen a garage with a glass floor before, so I have no idea what it is. Brand new appliances and no door to speak of.

Save: 45
Offers: 12


pile of garbage

312 Dung Street
$799,000

Located on the foul side of a double lot, this pile of black banana peels, unused hot sauce packets, and wet socks has a lot of character, and it just needs someone to dig a little tunnel through the middle. for a home conversion. This land is zoned for a four bedroom residence which must be five stories high and very narrow, for some reason. If you go to the planning department and ask why this can’t be a normal house, the floating specter tasked with helping you will open a big dusty book, point to an inscrutable line written in a long-dead language, and say “code of the city”, before cackling and disappearing in the mist.

Save: 280
Offers: 49


giant hole

28 Quarry Street, No. 3
$650,000

Six by twenty meters and getting slightly wider and deeper with each storm, this big sloppy hole is technically zoned as industrial, but we found a way to make it adjacent to the house. It’s not insulated, but on the plus side, it’s super small and doesn’t contain any human building materials, so there’s not much to do, maintenance-wise. Note that this is a duplex, so you will be sharing it with another family who must have twelve pets.

Save: 99
Offers: Accept backup offers


Gorilla enclosure

1 Zoo Street
$380,000

For one, you’ll share an enclosure with a male silverback gorilla named Marlow with a history of aggression. On the other hand, it’s three thousand square feet, costs less than the median house, and nearby schools are great if you can find a way to tiptoe past Marlow early in the morning (when he’s most angry). It also offers the opportunity to educate visitors about our primate relatives through the accidental provocation of alpha behavior. If you’ve tried and tried to get into an exercise routine but it never gets stuck, this is a great opportunity because you’ll be spending most of your days running and climbing.

Save: 33
Offers:4, all of which include a female gorilla to distract the big guy
*Please do not visit without an appointment.


Half-renovated, Rectangle sinking

43 Birch Street
$899,000

The two morons who lived here last added a random bathroom somewhere a bathroom doesn’t belong in a desperate attempt to raise the selling price of anything, but they didn’t never finished, so you’re going to have to figure it out. There’s a pile of sawdust everywhere, and every wall has a piece of Ikea furniture nailed to it. It’s not known if any of the LOMMARP libraries carry it, but if it sounds exciting to find out, go for it.

Save: 146
Offers: 25, all of which are above the asking price; 1 offer to get naked, get on all fours and eat whatever you put in front of us


My grandfather’s basement

$299,000

My grandpa doesn’t take the stairs anymore, so it’s probably fine if you move into his basement. No idea what’s there or if anything is working, in terms of electricity or water, but if I remember correctly the neighbors aren’t home so much so you can probably do run a hose from their faucet or whatever. If for some reason my grandpa sees you, pretend you’re a ghost and do an old fashioned dance (please call 911 if going south).

Save: 18
Offers: 3 having renounced the right of visit; 1, be your new grandfather if the old man croaks


Beautiful house currently on fire

$1,300,000

A mid-century modern masterpiece with four bedrooms and three bathrooms within ten feet of a currently smoldering five thousand acre park. Things seemed to be improving a bit, but in the course of writing this description the wind has picked up and the kitchen is currently engulfed in a firestorm. Wonderful view of the hillside of the houses that are not on fire at the moment but could soon be. Who the hell knows anything anymore?

Save: 188 stops
Offers: 20 that include organ donation


The place you already rent

$499,000

Considering the fact that not a single thing here was purchased after 1996, and that even things that work actually break if you don’t know how to shake them properly, you thought $300,000 was the max that any reasonable person would ask. But no, it costs $500,000 and will be sold to an Airbnb developer who will rent it out to perfectly normal people who will still manage to ruin this whole neighborhood.

Offers: 10,000,000
*Already sold and returned.

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