King Council: Should my bachelor party come to Nashville? | King Council
Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton’s Advice King podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for a column of advice, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “King of Advice,” Crofton will share his hard-earned wisdom with anyone who seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question to the king of advice, email bestofbread[at]Gmail[dot]com or publisher[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear King of Councils,
I’m planning my cousin’s bachelorette party in Nashville for next spring, but I’ve never been. Where should we go? What should we do?
—Kayla in Minneapolis
Oh no! Noooooooon. Have it anywhere except Nashville. In Nashville, singles have “barf wars” on Broadway. They compete against each other in large corrals – for prizes! It’s like American Gladiators except with White Claw throw up instead of these sticks with the pads at the ends. You can purchase Music City “barf goggles” and “barf ponchos” from the Nashville Chamber of Commerce Gift Shop. The mayor recently gave a bachelor the key to the city, and she threw up on him and said “A / nothing!” She meant she had a point for throwing up on him!
The Country Music Hall of Fame presents an exhibition “History of Appalachian Barfing”. The Frist Art Museum presents an exhibition “Penis straws through the ages”. Maskless people in assless guys play Limp Bizkit songs on violins! Tractors spewing vomit roll through the streets. Nashville Airbnb rentals have cascading barf.
Tennessee is anti-mask and pro-barf. ™ ️
I’m not going to stop, so if you don’t like it so far, stop reading now.
Grand Ole Barfry ™ ️
Barflin ™ ️ (Franklin)
Why do Americans trust barrels of bourbon more than syringes? How do you know there are no microchips in Bud Lite Lime? Just questions – bachelorette ™ questions ️.
We’re all single, Kayla. We are all doomed. Condemned to repeat the mistakes of singles before us. Where are we? Should we let companies dictate our behavior? Do we have go to Nashville and throw up? Do we all marry men named Scott who whiten their teeth?
Questions for bachelorettes ™ ️.
Of course, come to Nashville. Barf everywhere. All the marriages of all the other singles who came to Nashville before you have failed, and your cousin’s will too. But it is okay. Americans don’t learn from their mistakes – it’s one of our defining characteristics! We believe in myths! Oh say, can you see us doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different outcome.
Real advice, Kayla: DO NOT COME TO NASHVILLE. Give your cousin’s marriage a chance. Don’t follow Dow Chemical ™ ️, Sony Music ™ ️, Marlboro ™ ️, Nashville Chamber of Commerce ™ ️, PF Chang’s ™ ️, Anheuser Busch ™ ️ Official Road to Divorce ™ ️.
The Dow Chemical ™ ️, Sony Music ™ ️, Marlboro ™ ️, Nashville Chamber of Commerce ™ ️, PF Chang’s ™ ️, Anheuser Busch ™ ️ Official Road to Divorce ™ ️
STEP 1: Bachelorette Party in Nashville
STEP 2: Consume Anheuser Busch Products
STEP 3: Barf PF Chang is everywhere
STEP 4: COVID-19
STEP 5: Marry Scott – if you are still living
STEP 6: Get a condo you can’t afford
STEP 7: Consume Anheuser Busch products together
STEP 8: Barf PF Chang is everywhere
STEP 9: divorce
STEP 10: Repeat