NBA FINALS DIARY # 3: Today I found homeless woman bathing in my yard after trying to break and enter

Despite what Perk says, the reality is, it’s not as bad as it sounds. I mean it’s not ideal, but having lived in Phoenix for three years, I can tell you that I would MUCH rather have the dry desert heat than the swamp humidity that other places get on a regular basis.

With a few precautions (sunscreen, hydration, hats), you can survive very well. The biggest problem is that having to use sunscreen regularly means the wind is blowing dust and sand particles and after a few hours outside you feel gritty. But that’s what showers are for.

Mornings and evenings are amazing in Phoenix, however. Nothing I like better than getting up early, going out and having a coffee while my brain is waking up. Desert mornings are so peaceful; cooing doves, the hiss of sprinklers and today, the sound of a soft, pleasant moan… outside my front door. As I stepped out to sit on the porch, what did I find other than a homeless woman using the cement planter (right outside my door) as a bathtub while the water from the outside tap ran over his body.

Oh hi. Hello.

A little story is justified.

The photos online for this Airbnb were awesome. A cute little bungalow renovated near the arena so I could take a short uber to the Suns games was exactly what I was looking for. It was ridiculously cheap too, which, given how much I love a good deal, it was also pretty ideal, although downtown Phoenix was notoriously a bit… dunno… rough. ? The last time I lived here in 2010 it wasn’t a place to go, but hey, it was ten years ago. I was assured that this place has been improved. And all the photos have led me to believe it.

When I got here I realized that… I had been misled. Well. OK. I am not the first person supported by photoshop. There was no closet, no dresser, no place to hang your clothes. The backyard was filled with debris like scraps of metal, chicken bones and a pair of alley cats who tackled it like UFC fighters. It also smelled of raw sewage. Not ideal. Still, it was the location that mattered, and I knew I would spend a ton of time going to the games. I really only needed a place to sleep and collect my thoughts in the morning and record the podcast a few times a week in the living room.

But things got a little weird a few days ago when I saw a homeless woman who looked completely out of her mind walking barefoot (did I mention it was 110 degrees?) And wandering around the driveway to my little bungalow, wandering the yard until I made eye contact for her to leave. I REALLY took sketch vibes.

I was just a little worried.

I really try to be as tolerant as possible of these circumstances. Maybe she doesn’t want to wear shoes despite the concrete getting so hot you can literally fry an egg in it? Who knows. Was I dissuaded at that time? No sir! NYC is filled with all the known types of homeless vagabonds I meet every day on my way to Barstool HQ, so who knows, maybe it was just an exceptional circumstance.

Guess again.

Later that night, I was woken up by my front door handle spinning over and over again, like in a horror movie. I was panicking even though I knew the doors had industrial grade deadbolts and chain latches. Fortunately, it stopped after about five minutes. But do you think I’m sleepy? That’s a fucking big no.

After a HORRID night’s sleep, I got up very early (as I like to do) for coffee, walk out the front door, and guess what I see? She was the same homeless woman as before. Only this time, she was bathing in an empty planter right in front of my AirBNB. I repeat. A homeless woman. Bathing. On my doorstep. Use of the house tap. And when she saw me? She was in NO rush to get dressed and leave. She actually explained what she was doing and asked for a bit more time.

I mean, I understand it’s hot outside. I understand that you have to water. But damn it, I think it’s fair to say that’s not what I signed up for at all. My best guess? This Airbnb is mostly empty in the summer and this woman is a regular at her own little private watering hole.

It was then that I knew two things. First, I didn’t want to be part of a toothless Waltrina White with no shoes on and soaked like a kite on Blue Sky anywhere near me. And second, I had to get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

But even this place is still a million times better than NYC right now.

Airbnb was great. They found me a new place nearby in no time.

Now that I’m safe, I just want to say that I’ll be live in Phoenix Suns Arena again tonight, where I fully expect the same from Game One. I’m not sure the Bucks have an answer for Chris Paul. In Game 1, the No.1 defender at CP3 was PJ Tucker, who got scared. Athletic’s Seth Partnow wrote “it was either a miscalculation or a bet that didn’t pay off”. I go with the latter; PJ is a tough dude and defender, but asking him to keep someone with grips like Chris Paul is always going to end badly. So that means Jrue has the duty of PC3, and that means… who the hell is keeping Devin Booker?

Not Tucker. Not Middleton. None of them are fast enough to handle Book. Jeff Teague? Bryn Forbes? This is the correspondence problem I mentioned. Tough enough to deal with an elite guard, but two of them? And with Cam Payne coming off the bench to start? Just a horrible game for the Bucks. Jrue can’t keep everyone. I think the Suns will keep trying to target Brook Lopez on the pick and roll and the Bucks will be COOKED.

The Valley was as strong as any final game I have seen in the past five years, so I can’t wait to be tonight.

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