The following first appeared in Stephinite, a weekly newsletter from columnist Stephanie Hayes with a bonus column and behind-the-scenes discussions. To receive it in your inbox every Monday, subscribe here.
Thank you so much for choosing our Airbnb, Gentri-Vacation. We hope you have fun and take advantage of the many amenities we are happy to provide.
It will be an unforgettable experience, despite what people say about it on the internet hotels being better than Airbnbs and vacation rentals that are contributing to the current housing crisis. Answer us: Do hotels provide a half used mustard bottle in the fridge? Do hotels have a curious neighbor with a preponderance of iguanas? Do the hotels keep a locker full of pool toys taken from the nearby river? We thought not.
We only ask that you follow a few simple rules in order to keep our accommodation in perfect condition for you and all future guests.
Our soft beds are wonderful places to sleep, but we ask that you sleep on the floor next to the beds. If sleeping on the floor is impossible, we ask that you submit current medical documentation explaining why, notarized, with three witnesses. There will be no exceptions.
If you have to sleep in the beds, we have provided you with a roll of clear plastic wrap that you can unroll before lying down. Some guests like to wrap their body rather than the bed. It’s your getaway, so choose the path that sounds like the most fun!
You will notice that the closets are stocked with premium fluffy towels. Please use only one towel for four bodies. The other towels are here for emergency use only, and if you’ve used more, we’ll assume you have one. forbidden party. You will find the list of approved emergencies on pages 12-23. For your drying convenience, there are wire and chip clips on the patio. Excessive use of towels will incur a charge of USD 40 per towel per day.
You can use the washer and dryer, but please use all-natural detergent, because conventional detergents dull the finish inside the washing machine, and we’d like to keep this washing machine shining. An all-natural detergent is available at Whole Foods. The nearest Whole Foods is 63 miles east. Also, you can’t wash the towels.
We are happy to offer a smart TV that works from time to time, but only under a Netflix profile called “Hugo”. We don’t know who he is, but the algorithm tells us he watches a lot of WWII movies. If the account blocks you, use our collection of DVDs purchased during a Blockbuster liquidation in 2005. Can we suggest “The Pacifier” with Vin Diesel?
On departure, please wash, dry and replace all dishes. There are invisible black light marks on the bottom of every Mason Jar wine glass, so we’ll know if they’re put back down. The fine is $10 per drink.
Please unpack the beds, even if you haven’t slept in them or have been wrapped in plastic. We would also appreciate your bleaching and ironing the curtains, but this is optional. It’s the holidays!
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We don’t hide the cameras here! But if we did, we won’t tell you where they are.
Thank you so much for choosing to stay at Gentri-Vacances, and we hope that the four hours you have to relax without cleaning up or packing and unpacking in plastic is enjoyable.
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