Tam Cowan: two days after heatwave and department stores had fewer fans than Hamilton Accies
It was revealed last week that printer ink is now more expensive than champagne.
But let me ask you this, ladies and gentlemen … is SOMETHING more expensive than fuel from a motorway service station?
Tell you what, if Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos had been forced to fill their rockets on the M6, I don’t think the billionaire duo could have afforded to venture into space.
On my way to Blackpool last week I made the stupid mistake of filling our campervan to Tebay’s services (a much smarter move, apparently, is to drive to the Tesco garage in Carlisle). And when I timed the prices, I was the fuel.
I mean, come on, 155.9p for a liter of diesel?!?
It was the second day the British didn’t have to wear masks, but gas pump officials were clearly sporting the Dick Turpin variety.
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When I first reported this theft in the light of day on social media, many of my followers responded similarly: “Yes, Tam, but the homemade pies, sausage rolls and Scottish eggs in Tebay are out of this world. “
Alas, I had nothing to eat because I only had 140 pounds on me …
No, I preferred the feedback from another guy who said, “Remember that motorway service stations are in places that are difficult to access and poorly served by roads. It is difficult for the tankers to reach them.
Is he a master of sarcasm or what? (Hats off to you buddy!)
After arriving at our campsite in Blackpool, I burned our overpriced fuel tank leaving the engine running so we could enjoy a blast of air conditioning in the van.
Yes, I know AA (and maybe even the cops) wouldn’t approve of keeping a vehicle stationary – and I’m DEFINITELY off Greta Thunberg’s Christmas card list – but who cares? worries?
It was a 30C nudge for heaven’s sake.
After a sweltering, sleepless night we only had two things on our itinerary the next day – a trip to the top of Blackpool Tower and a photo of the Ferris wheel on Central Pier… ANY O high in the sky with the luck of a little fresh air.
How hot was North Vegas? Don’t laugh, folks, I saw a dog get chased around the Blackpool prom by a lamppost …
(Yet at least the legendary Lancashire seaside resort was gnat free – I thought the little ones might have come down for the Glasgow Fair.)
Similar temperatures here in Scotland, of course, with a heat wave that lasted most of, what, three or four weeks?
What time for health experts to warn that using an electric fan all night long could inflict lasting damage to your skin by drying it out, eh?
I can assure you that I ignored this advice. Sorry, but waking up looking like Lizzie Birdsworth from Cell Block H is a small price to pay for a good night’s sleep.
Note that it was nearly impossible to get your hands on one – within two days of the scorching heat, every department store had fewer fans than Hamilton Accies.
As the mercury rose, my boyfriend tried a different approach. But even after watching the Downton Abbey DVD set, he still couldn’t sleep.
Anyway, with my apologies to those of you going on a Scottish holiday this weekend, my reaction to the prospect of cooler temperatures and LOTS of rain is simple… YA BEAUTY!
Sorry, folks, but a good downpour tonight and I’m going to absorb it like Andy Dufresne when he escaped from Shawshank…
PS Highlight of the Blackpool break? Hearing another Scotsman in the trailer next to us suddenly shout to his wife: “The weaner has it all behind his back!” We will have to put her in the bath when we get back… ”
Pinball Wizard Rog’s message is loud and clear
Who frontman Roger Daltrey warned children to refuse music to protect their hearing later in life because he and fellow band member Pete Townshend are partially deaf.
On the bright side, however, they’re now a third better at pinball.
Meanwhile, Mel C has hinted that Victoria Beckham may be reuniting with the Spice Girls in Glastonbury.
Just put a wig on a mic stand and SAY it’s her.
Listen, this debate has been raging for years – will it or not? – so here’s a cooler talking point for all music fans.
On the radio last weekend, we narrowed it down to four suitors: Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, Leonard Cohen or Shane McGowan. Tell me, friends, which of the great singer-songwriters is the WORST singer?
Other names do the trick …?
PS Gloria Gaynor’s disco classic, I Will Survive, was voted # 1 Breaking Song.
My wife thinks ours would be the hit Take That It only takes a minute.
Blantyre or bust
Well done to the talented team of Sussex restorers who spent an incredible 15 months restoring a bust of David Livingstone after it was shattered into HUNDREDS of pieces.
They completed it just in time for the David Livingstone Birthplace Museum in Blantyre to reopen yesterday.
Ah, good old Blantyre. As a wise man once remarked: “If you have ever been to Blantyre, you will understand why Livingstone went to Africa.
Jab to the Star of the Celts
Twitter exchange of the week?
On the back of Celtic FC signaling a mobile vaccination unit at the stadium, @ Woodybhoy67 replied: “Don’t bother poking Barkas – he’ll never catch him.”
Staying with football (a sport I almost turned my back on after at least 15 Scots from Blackpool went out of their way to tell me Motherwell lost 2-0 to Airdrie, a part-time League One player. ), a parrot liquidated its idiotic Ranger Owner by shouting “My the Hoops!” ” At her place.
The next time the bird is within earshot, she should say, “Alexa… what’s the KFC number? ” Problem solved. By the way, even though Real Madrid didn’t play their strongest roster at Ibrox on Sunday, I don’t think Steven Gerrard’s men got enough credit for beating them 2-1.
Rangers could have scored four or five, but Madrid’s tea lady played a blink
in the goals.
Spud do you like?
Scientists have found that eating potatoes may increase the risk of three serious health problems: obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. From now on, I stick to the crisps. Seriously, though, are potatoes still available – or is spud another victim of Brexit and ‘pingemia’?
Supermarkets are running out of all kinds of stuff – I popped in to Aldi yesterday and they were on their last four paper clips – and I just hope we don’t see a repeat of the empty shelves from last year. . I remember walking up the soup aisle to my local Morrisons and all they had left was Baxter’s Royal Game.
I guess NO ONE likes it?
Darts ain’t Mission Impossible for Tom but it’s a 180 turn
He was cheering on England in the Euro 2020 final against Italy.
He attended Wimbledon center court to watch tennis.
And he’s currently on vacation on a yacht in Cornwall.
But it has now been reported that Mission Impossible star Tom Cruise is one step closer to becoming an Honorary Briton – by taking darts!
Just one question: who gets the arrows from the chessboard after the little man throws?
Tom’s movie star Idris Elba says he’s laughing at his friends over rumors he’ll replace Daniel Craig as the next James Bond.
Take it on the chin, big one, it happens to me all the time.
Meanwhile, back on planet Earth – but sticking with the movies – the Carry On movies are tagged for the Awakened Generation on Britbox, for containing slight sexual references and innuendos.
When asked if they could EVER screen an unedited Carry On classic, a spokesperson for the streaming service said, “It’s getting harder and harder, but I think I can make it.”
My favorite funny photos of the week
I can’t believe Liverpool have been stripped of their World Heritage status.
Yes, folks, it really is a naan bed!
Wow … look at this baby’s legs!
Private parking for the Thompson Twins?
It’s good to see Jack & Victor on Larne’s scoresheet.
There is a right and wrong way to transport your beige colored neck pillow through the airport.
Text jokes of the week
● Another day of roasting so I undressed, opened all the windows and felt so much better. The other people on the bus don’t seem so happy.
● It was so hot today that Airdrie ice cream parlors were selling ice cream.
● The local farmer suggested putting horse manure on my strawberries. Never again. I come back to the whipped cream.
● My brother creosote my porch against my will, so I told him never to darken my door again.
● NASA has identified a critical systems failure resulting from Richard Branson’s trip to space. He came back.
● I just saw a guy steal something from the Apple Store. Does this mean that I am an iWitness?
● Fun fact. Boomerangs are Australia’s biggest export. It is also their biggest import.
M&S is poised to become the first nationwide clothing chain to offer same-day deliveries, so customers can pick up clothes quickly “from lingerie to school uniforms.”
I can understand the latter’s urgency – every kid in the country is an expert at ruining their school uniform – but who exactly is ever in a lingerie hurry?
A bank robber who left home with no head stockings?
No to the first Christmas Dibs
Richard Curtis pitched the idea for a Vicar Of Dibley Christmas special.
Surely that would make Christmas even MORE special if he didn’t?
● A vintage bicycle enthusiast from Wales was in the papers this week to show off his collection of 40 original Raleigh Chopper bikes.
Wow. Forty helicopters?
It’s more than the front row of a Daniel O’Donnell concert.
My immediate reaction to the photos of Wayne Rooney with three half-naked 21-year-old girls?
Well, if he couldn’t have a 63 year old man …