Would the Wagatha Christie of Fermoy want to get up?

It’s all on deck on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners who knew a guard who could get you run over. Cliona_GirlRacer triggered her when she said she got pulled over by this gorgeous speeding guard near Schull over the weekend she said she definitely would cause she always got asked what it’s like to get away with a certified bogman. Anyway, she asked the band if we knew anyone who could “wipe her off the system” because we all know that breaking the law is reserved for the Norries. It sparked a fascinating conversation between the Stunners. Orla_ElectricVolvo said there was a time when we all knew a guard before we were properly charged and stopped mingling with GAA types and such. But we now move in different circles, where it is not uncommon to find a Catholic man who plays hockey. Good ideas, but the next day was there a headline in a local tabloid – Douglas Road Stunner Stopped by Hot Guard. It’s Wagatha Christie with buttons. Someone is leaking our private conversations and Fifi_TwoCockapoos said it must be me because my mum is from Fermoy. They’re holding a trial for me tomorrow, that’s where everyone but the defendant goes drinking in Kinsale, and the next thing you know you’re banned from WhatsApp FOR LIFE! How do you prove it wasn’t me?

I was going to say – maybe stop texting me weekly with the latest Stunner updates, but I’d be lost without you!

Hello, this is Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well it’s August so that means my whore sister is from Dublin with her American sounding kids and a husband’s drooping drawers he’s Chief Vision Monkey for a multinational company that’s his real title. What a treat to listen to her tell my mum and me what we did wrong in her life, stuck in the septic tank in North Cork while she’s up there in Dublin with her tote bags and her fake breasts. This year she has steam coming out of her pointy ears over the “camps for retarded children” we have locally versus the one they have in the so-called capital. Apparently, their childhood is ruined because they don’t learn Extreme Mindful Origami with other American-sounding kids, as the only option here is to run around a field for a few hours with “wild Boherbue semi-humans”, his words are not mine. , although I wouldn’t say she was 100% wrong either. Anyway, long story short, it’s all my fault as usual, so I have to tend to her sleepy twigs for two days while she and the Chief Vision Monkey douse themselves in a hot tub in 5 star hell near Killarney. I’d rather lick the main street of Scartaglin than bond with my nephew and niece – how can I entertain them?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My niece is doing a doctorate in child development, it’s called, Why do they keep asking for candy? I called her there and asked, “What’s the downside of putting kids in front of screens all day?” She says; “they hog all the broadband while you try to buy a hammock online.”

How is it going ? I think I get the eye of the Swiss who stays at the Airbnb, but I’ve been wrong about this stuff in the past. You see, she herself fell in with a crowd of surfing enthusiasts inside Clonakilty and didn’t get up and go with them on a road trip along the west coast . On the very day of her departure, a woman from Geneva did not come to stay at the Airbnb, but she looks Italian or Spanish, as you would see in Galway. I was walking past her little house yesterday minding my own business when I spotted her in the garden with her leg wrapped around her neck in some kind of yoga pose it didn’t leave much to the imagination. Like any good man in West Cork, I went from a state of excitement to shame and embarrassment in 5 seconds and walked off the stage quickly and smartly with a shower of ‘sorry, ma’am, sorry over my shoulder. Well, didn’t a text message land on the old Nokia 23 minutes later? It was Swiss, saying, “You have nothing to regret, join me for yoga tomorrow, you wild man.” Are you okay, tell me?

—Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway

It’s a clean come-on. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, because now you’re going to have to take a bath.

Come on, quick, am I the only one who thinks swimming in the sea in Ireland is for gomies? We were in Spain last week, beautiful water, like stepping into the bath. So me and Budgie were in Garryvoe yesterday, pretty nice day. I threw it in the water thinking, it’s gonna be the berries now lah, and the next thing I know, my gonads are around my neck. Frozen. They still haven’t reappeared. Am I doing it wrong or what?

—Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

The Posh Cousin loves swimming in the sea, it’s another great way to show off her wealth. I told him how you were swimming and asked him, “is something missing?” She said, “his testicles, for starters!” (She never says balls.)

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