LOS ANGELES — No one knows if Donald Trump will be forced to swap his blue suit for an orange one and occupy a living space no bigger than a Mar-a-Lago broom closet, but when it comes to push, would a judge really have the nerve to shoulder the unique historic responsibility of sentencing a former president of the United States to a lengthy prison term, even if convicted of serious federal crimes?
Will any of us be able to watch a television march of a Trumpian perp, with channels, followed by a bus ride to Rikers? Maybe not.
But in case a judge Is sentence Trump to a long prison term, it might be interesting to speculate what that might be for someone like him. After all, can a man accustomed to a life of opulence know anything about a world without gold-plated toilet seats?
This is the ultimate fish out of water story.
There’s a good chance Trump won’t end up in a maximum-security facility (he’d never survive), so let’s imagine he’s serving his sentence at a Club Fed-style minimum-security prison, some of which—primarily those that incarcerate inmates like Felicity Huffman—offer certain amenities to their residents. (Men’s facilities are less comfortable.) However, male inmates are made time for fun, with hobbies like board games and yoga (the lotus position might be a challenge for our sedentary 45th president). As for board games, would a former resident of the White House who committed serious federal crimes deign to play Monopoly with simple crooks? Could he even play Monopoly if he didn’t include a bankruptcy option? (In jail, the Get Out Of Jail Free card would be popular, but meaningless).
Even most minimum security prisons require their inmates to spend some of their time doing menial work. What kind of job would Donald Trump get? Would he make license plates, fold laundry, help in the prison library? Does he really know what these things are?
Having never done anything resembling work, Trump would likely hire other inmates to do the work for him and not pay them. It might not work as well in prison as it does outside.
Will he be allowed to keep his Secret Service detail, a benefit all former presidents are entitled to. But what about meincarcerated former presidents?
Does the Secret Service have a protocol for this? No. As it stands, the rules governing the agency not mention the protection of an incarcerated ex-president. Perhaps that could change because of Trump’s unique case, although it’s hard to imagine a group of holster-wearing Secret Service agents in a prison yard. And where would they spend the night—in his cell or in a nearby Airbnb?
Maybe his lawyer could negotiate an early release for good behavior, but that could be difficult because, at that point, the only lawyer who would consider representing him would be a freshman law student at a university no one knows about. never heard of. Failing that, a summer intern.
John Blumenthal
Whatever form of punishment our 45th president might be forced to endure if charged and sentenced (whether it be prison, a life of Napoleonic exile on a remote island like island of Elba or house arrest in a cheap motel room with an ankle monitor and no access to Fox), conspiracy theories will abound. Michael Flynn will wake up the crowds with an unwieldy version of his Hillary Clinton chant (“lock her up!”), like “unlock it”. Marjorie Taylor Green will say something like, “That’s the worst apostrophe that’s happened since the world began in 1701.” Other Republicans will call it “a well-deserved vacation.”
In the meantime, Trump could campaign for the elite prison population presidency. If he loses, Trump would undoubtedly accuse him of voter fraud, which may actually be true this time around — after all, it’s a prison.
An award-winning novelist and former magazine editor who co-wrote the movie “Blue Streak”, John Blumenthal’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Playboy, Publishers’ Weekly, Salon and Huffington Post. This was written for The Plain Dealer and cleveland.com.
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