The jewel of north central Indiana

Forget about Mexico! Forget Vegas! Literally forget all the other cities and countries on Earth, because this week on The single person, we are about to discover a place so exotic, so sophisticated, that it makes Paris look like Gary, Indiana. It makes Rome look like the alley behind a Jimmy Johns in Cleveland. It makes Tokyo look like a scary guy named Gary. It’s Warsaw… INDIANA!

Warsaw: the world capital of orthopedics!

Warsaw: homeland of Tom Metzger, founder of the White Aryan Resistance!

Warsaw: Come for the Wagon Wheel Center for the Arts! Stay for the autodafe!

Ladytestantes descend on picturesque Warsaw like a swarm of moths attacking the very loose sweaters they wear. Oatmeal goes to the place where he had his first job, his first kiss and went to school. No surprise, they are all in the same building. WARSAW IS SMALL! Thanks folks, I’ll be there all week! Oatmeal meets his parents, Amy and David Higgins, and tells them not to hold back before hugging him, which is a terrifying thing for a grown son to tell his parents. Her mother looks like a mother whose teenage daughter gets lost in a Lifetime movie. Her father appears to be a basketball coach in a Capra movie. In other words, these are exactly the people who would breed the oatmeal.

Her parents ask her to tell them about the women who stay, and Oatmeal describes them in a way that absoutely reflect their complex personality. He calls Amanda “shockingly beautiful” and the first words he uses to describe Emily are, “She’s an identical twin. “

Meanwhile, the ladytestantes manage their anxiety by fighting with leaves and walking along a jetty in ankle boots. Oatmeal is approaching on a boat. Caila, driven mad by the prospect of her hometown tours next week, tries to pull the boat out of the water with her bare hands.

Everyone is a little nervous this week.

The ladies testators are staying at an Airbnb next to Oatmeal’s parents’ house, and Oatmeal tells them to invest in earplugs and not to look out the windows because Amy and David are still banging their brains out. It’s an important week.

Oatmeal tells Lauren No-Longer-B. that she has 30 minutes to get ready because the Quakers are going out! Lauren Non-Plus-B. and Oatmeal head to Warsaw to see all the sights. From the church to the hotel which was once a movie theater, no stone is overlooked on this visit! Oatmeal and Lauren meet at the youth club where he supervises children.

Okay, this part is legitimately cute.

Plus, this section of the episode starred Ronnie, a young blond boy who hits midfield punches like a fucking pro. Someone is bringing this kid to the halftime show of an NBA basketball game. Unfortunately, he uses his powers for evil and forces Lauren and Oatmeal to kiss in front of a crowd of screaming children. Lauren is skipping rope with only one rope and they play one-on-one in matching white t-shirts. They are the whitest couple in the good green Earth of our goddess Beyoncé.

Back at Airbnb, JoJo receives the next date card and Oatmeal takes him to Windy City, and the other testers speculate a little too long on what that means. “It’s very windy here,” someone suggests.

Oatmeal takes Lauren to a bar to hang out with a bunch of American Eagle models hired to be her friends, and they say Leah was a total bitch who made up this nasty story about Lauren. Lauren ends the date by looking at the camera during her confessional, then declaring that she is in love with Oatmeal with the dead shark eyes. Ah, young love.

But there is no pink for this one-on-one meeting.

It’s time for JoJo’s one-on-one rendezvous in exotic Wrigleyville! Even though it’s mid-afternoon the streets are lined with brothers and girls yelling at them because I can’t believe you were just going to talk to Tracey in front of me! JoJo and Oatmeal step over Old Style cans and walk right onto Wrigley Field. The two play wrestling and dine by candlelight on the stepped grass.

Oatmeal says it’s endearing that JoJo doesn’t even realize how much he loves her. Because it’s really hot – deep insecurity and uncertainty in your relationships! Oatmeal engages in a strange Bachelor trope in which lady testants have to ignore any reservations they have about falling in love. They have to give in to the whole process of falling in love and expose some deep and dark things about themselves, or they are not seen as inside. There is value in women being vulnerable, and forced to expose that vulnerability and trust the single person before he does anything to gain it. He goes out with other women in front of them. That’s a pretty good reason to hold back a bit.

I have no joke about it. It’s just a shitty thing that women are forced to do in this show and in the world.

Oatmeal wears a hideous tweed sweater and an oatmeal sweater. It’s a parody of himself.

Oatmeal ends up coaxing JoJo to reveal that she likes him and wants to trust him but can’t, but she’s going to give it a try, or something. No matter.

There is no pink for this one-on-one meeting.

Twin learns that she is also having a one-on-one date and bursts into tears. She only finds out that she is being eliminated when the other date card arrives. Caila, Amanda, and Becca go on a group date at a farm. (Don’t worry, this isn’t even the worst date in the episode.) Everyone is freaking out because hometown dates are so important the pressure makes Caila hug them. Becca takes a different approach and tells Oatmeal that she doesn’t feel like he’s validated her in any way, so she’s basically ready for him to send her home.

Oatmeal reveals that there will be a rose for this date and the other two losers must return home for the evening. He hands Amanda the rose, and the couple – I’m not kidding – go to work in the drive-thru at McDonald’s. Had it been my black ass when he suggested, “Can we go back behind the counter?” I would have sent home. I would have shredded all the roses I came in contact with for the next three months. But I am not Amanda. Homegirl strapped on that headset and handed out apple pies.

It’s time for Twin’s one-on-one meeting. Oatmeal takes her to hang out with her parents, and she throws up about how she wants to be an NFL cheerleader and don’t know what swans are. Oatmeal keeps repeating the same sentence about the fact that he absolutely did not keep her there out of obligation after the return of the other twin. Sure. Oatmeal’s mother cries when talking about Twin because she is so head-brained and so young. Ouch.

Oatmeal brings Twin back to the Airbnb and gently drops her, telling her that he doesn’t see her as his wife. Double mouth. The other testers gather together and try to read Twin’s facial expressions like robots. “They were talking and now they are not talking. It means sadness!

It’s time for the rose ceremony, and the oatmeal can’t hold up. He’s afraid to do the one thing he’s contractually obligated to do all season. You are the bachelor. You distribute roses to women who do not need to wear Spanx. This is what you do. Host Chris gives him a pep talk, and it’s about time.

The roses go to JoJo, Lauren and… Caila.

Becca is sent home again. She wonders why she keeps going through this. Does she know she can stop? Nobody has to go on The single person franchise television shows. You are a pretty blonde virgin. SOMEONE will want to date you, and Liam Neeson will hunt down anyone who hurts you.

Next week: Hometown tours! Someone’s brother is going to get drunk on BL Platinum and scream at Oatmeal!