After being cooped up all winter, we want nothing more than to spread our talons, spread our lizard tails, and seek out the sexiest and hottest beach resorts. themed rentals across the United States. It’s not that we are do not in pinkies-out hotels where guests wear linens and bathrooms have novelty hand soaps. (We’re living for a Nancy Meyers fantasy.) But whenever our hot-weather personality thaws out, our Best Horny Self is unlocked and ready to lick the sides of every red New Jersey heart-shaped bathtub.
There’s a huge range of sexy hotels in the USA, literally designed for you to indulge in, and we’ve never been so excited to explore them all. Whether you are with friends or friends, why not book a night in a resort for lovers with an XXL bathtub in the shape of a glass of Champagne? Or would you like to confess your love while paddling in a swan boat? As we’ve said many times, we haven’t been here long, we’ve been here for a Well time, and if you’re a little surprised by some of the lovemaking hiding places in our great country, just bring an extra sheet and a bottle of bleach before hitting, say, the zebra-print sex swing.
With Valentine’s Day only 10 months away (and hey, you’re due for a quirky romantic getaway any day now), we thought we’d dive into the best hotels for sex this country has to offer, from the horny gladiator grounds to the Flintstones-worthy shag caves and more.
Every day is Valentine’s Day
Are you new here? Don’t stop empty-handed in the classic lovers’ suite, complete with a heart-shaped bathtub. Bring a bottle of whispering angel in one hand and some Clorox Bleach Wipes in the other, you’ll then be ready for anything from velvet sheets to leopard-print sex furniture.
This coin crowned “Cupid’s Corner”
Photo: Greenwood FantaSuite Hotel
Welcome to the Greenwood Fanta Suite Hotel in Greenwood, Indiana, where you can book themed suites like Cupid’s Corner, which includes a whirlpool tub, heart-shaped bed, mirrored ceiling, and flat-screen TV for watching late-night infomercials after a dirty and sweaty smash sesh.
More information about the FantaSuite hotel on Booking.com
The Honeymoon Suite
Photo: Hicksville Pines Bud & Breakfast
Founded in 2010, Hicksville Pines Bud & Breakfast in Idyllwild-Pine Cove, Calif., is relatively new to the kitschy hotel game. The weed-friendly hotel offers a range of themed rooms, including A-frame cabins designed with help from Dita Von Teese and Dolly Parton, but our favorite is the Honeymoon Suite. The ’70s-style hideaway has a heart-shaped tub, waterbed, mirrored ceiling and the same wallpaper Elvis Presley had upstairs at Graceland.
Learn more about Hicksville Pines Bud & Breakfast at Airbnb
Welcome to Miami
A dirty little bird told us to fly to Miami, Florida for sun, sex and sand. Specifically, it pointed us to the Tropic Garden Executive Hotel (lol), which not only offers suites with heart-shaped tubs, but also zebra print sex chairs We can’t think of a better way to grab America’s sexiest, hottest city by the horns.
Find out more about Tropic Garden Executive Hotel on TripAdvisor
You just want to bathe in a giant champagne glass
Who doesn’t? Whether you’re hanging out with just one lover or the whole swingin’ squad, some of America’s sexiest love hotels feature XXXXL champagne glass tubs. Reserve them for a special occasion, a photo shoot or a baptism, as they say (rather) in Scarface, the world belongs to you.
America’s Largest Resort
Once upon a time, there was no internet and lots of cocaine. (Now there’s the internet…and lots of cocaine.) Not just anything bad never come down to creek haven in Lakeville, Pennsylvania in the 1970s, but this sprawling resort town was the crown jewel of the Love Belt hotels that were so popular at the time for their sultry rooms and endless entertainment. And honestly, Cove Haven has lost none of its sexy steam decades later; you can still explore its sprawling green grounds via swan boat, have your photo taken, enjoy the “Steak and Langoustine Night” and, of course, bathe in a huge glass of champagne.
More information about Cove Haven at Booking.com
Just an hour from New York
In Avenel, New Jersey, there is the Loop Inn Motelwhich has been giving flirty gerties of Jersey and beyond more of what they want (champagne tubs!) since 1968. “Our secluded chateau features fireplaces and hot tubs in almost every room,” the site explains. official, “and even a two-bedroom walk-in with champagne-style glass whirlpool tub [tub].”
More information about the Loop Inn Motel at TripAdvisor
‘Cause gladiators are always excited
Olive oil, tanks, strappy sandals, grunts, small gold snake jewelry— there’s literally nothing the Romans did that wasn’t sexy, and American-themed hotels agree. Once you’ve explored the range of tropical oases and heart-shaped bathtubs that abound in themed hotels, take your lover to a veritable lair of gladiators that will have them piercing your knuckle or your Trojans, if you see what we mean. (We don’t.).
The Roman Rendezvous Suite
Adventure Suites in North Conway, New Hampshire is like the Disneyland of themed hotels, with rooms inspired by everything from Corporate Manhattan has a… nightclub run by aliens? It’s alright, but we’re here to let off steam like Antony and Cleopatra in hotels Roman Rendezvous Suitewhich is complemented by a fiber optic dome that reveals clear night skies and shooting stars.
More information about the Adventure Suites Hotel on Booking.com
Go on a chariot ride in California
Some of the best themed hotels are in California, including the Victorian Mansion in Los Alamos. Halfway between Los Angeles and San Francisco, this themed boutique hotel is housed in an old Victorian mansion right in the middle of wine country. So here’s an idea: Go wine tasting with your boo, buy a sumptuous bottle of red, and feed each other grapes in the gladiator suite chariot.
More information about the Victorian mansion at Airbnb
A southern dive with touching bathtubs
Do you wash your honky tonk with hanky panky? Then the Dive motel in Nashville, Tennessee is your best bet for a good time. The revived dive stays true to its roots with the kind of atmosphere that makes someone by the pool named LulaBelle want to drink whiskey, wear a thong, and smoke a cigarette. There’s so much to dig into about the Dive, but the twin soaking tubs in one of its sunny suites are what make it worthy of its own class.
More information about the Dive Motel on Booking.com
Bones like ‘The Flintstones’
Enter: the mothership. the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, California, has 110 individually themed rooms which are anchored in our brain since this epic anniversary episode of The girls next door in 2008, including the emblematic caveman’s room. Expect animal tracks, a rocky pond, and a waterfall that pours from your stone shower into the cave-style bathroom. Ooga booga.
More information about the Madonna Inn at TripAdvisor
Meet at the breakfast buffet.
Rec Room staff independently curated all items featured in this story.
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