This new year is personal
It’s time to get down to business with our New Year’s resolutions for 2023.
We’re going to buy a new car with enough sensors and cameras to take the guesswork out of lane changes. But we’ll definitely miss the adrenaline rush we get every time we merge.
I’m going to spend another year talking about learning to play pickleball while avoiding all forms of exercise.
If someone dares to use the term “homeless” in my presence, I will jump on them with the most politically correct “homeless”.
We will make sure to consume our daily recommended amount of bacon.
If we ever want to save the planet, we need to stop buying single-use water bottles. Besides, we can no longer carry a box of water.
We’re also going green by using handkerchiefs instead of handkerchiefs. Sociologists have determined that the decline of civilization began when we stopped wearing handkerchiefs or wearing one with our suits.
I will continue to volunteer at Triton College to tutor ESL students to improve their English. There’s no better way to sharpen your English skills than teaching it to others.
My wife and I are going to save money and calories by sharing restaurant entrees – for the rest of our lives. We will also experiment with the “Happy Hour” diet to see if we can survive on chicken wings and mozzarella sticks.
I will continue to walk around without musical accompaniment. I won’t make phone calls either. I have to stay alert to avoid pedestrians staring at their screens.
I can’t wait to learn more about my friends at “Potential Spam”.
We’re never going to finish watching the second season of Ted Lasso as we couldn’t get past the episode which only focused on Coach Beard.
I will refresh my geography and no longer write that Dubai is in Saudi Arabia. By the way, Dubai is now the number one tourist destination on the planet. What happened to the Dells in Wisconsin?
We will continue to watch over our grandsons, but the days of going to bed with them are numbered.
I’m trying to stay neutral in our upcoming local elections, but it’s hard to resist a fundraiser at Circle Lanes.
The Altenheim advisory committee did not ask me for an opinion, but if we build a pond, animals and people will come.
We’re turning our guest room into an Airbnb. Guests are encouraged to provide their own air mattress. The simple bathroom is available almost every morning at 11am.
Solitaire Scrabble may seem hopeless, but it’s more fun than Yahtzee Solitaire. I also like to play solitary basketball.
We will continue to scroll through movie channels without watching any. It brings back good memories of not finding anything to rent at the video club.
I will become a member of the Roos Recreation Center. Unlike more expensive health clubs, no-shows will only cost me $10 a month.
We’ll explore exotic lands and encounter strange new cultures as we drive south of I-80.
We will avoid toxic people who only care about themselves and don’t want to hear detailed accounts of our health issues.
We will continue to be grateful for Forest Park’s spirit of generosity.