Where is the best place in Cork to bring my English mistress?

I thought it sounded as dodgy as a cultural night in Carrigaline, but I tried, and what do you know, me and my Hugo are going to be on stage Friday night with the best of them. Then Fifi_8RescuePuppies came back and said there is another portal for the super-rich, if you post a picture of yourself on the hidden floor of Hotel Europe,
The one who is
forbidden to people
with freckles
.

I borrowed my sister’s picture, we’re each other’s light bulb, and now Ed Sheeran is going to sing a song especially for my Hugo, but I asked him to sing it for me, it’s okay necessarily render bananas Fifi_8RescuePuppies . What kind of song do you think he will sing?

—Jenni, Douglas Road, I’m getting emergency brows, this is going to be great!

I called my niece there, she’s big into all the latest trends in pop music. I said, are you still a fan of Ed Sheeran? She said, I’m totally aunt Audrey. I said, aren’t you a little old for him now? She said, I’m nine years old!! I said exactly!

Hello, this is Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Come on, I’ve always dreamed of an affair with an exotic guy who doesn’t speak English and my wish didn’t come true this week when I woke up next to a boy from Ennis. (There’s only one drink more dangerous than rum and coke – and that’s rum without coke. My god, guys, I’m as lewd as two bachelor parties from Kiskeam.)

Anyway, that boy from Clare was mumbling his gibberish over breakfast, I was lucky to get one out of four words. From what I could gather he kept saying ‘not a bogger’, and I ended up roaring, you’re a bogger you mouth, why else would you walk around in a pair of Dingo jeans. But then Berna called and said, he says “not a problem”, which they pronounce “nod a bodder”, it’s very confusing.

I said, well fair play, I’m not used to a nice man, how about going on a date this weekend and didn’t he tell me not asked to go to the Cork-Clare match at Thurles on Sunday. I’ll be honest with you Audrey, the people of Ballydesmond know as much about hurling as the guys from Scartaglin do about
wash their
Hair
. What are good things to shout
the ref
during
a hurling match?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

This is one for
my
screaming mad friend,
Rickie of the Rockies
. I said, are you yelling at the ref for a
Cork
match? He said, oh no,
we’d be too busy picking on
cork players
of the Glen.

H
How is it going ?
Like most people here in West Cork, I’ve listed my garden shed on Airbnb and there’s no shortage of eyebrows willing to pay me a thousand euros a week to live there.
Anyway, didn’t that boy from Zurich come in last night and took it for two weeks.

I went to see him this morning with the welcome pack, which is a loaf of homemade brown bread we had at Centra and a wildly inaccurate story about Cromwell and the Siege of Drimoleague.

Didn’t he stop me halfway to say he read
on
the dark web on an alien spacecraft that had crash-landed in the outskirts of Dunmanway, and he had been sent by a Brotherhood he called to investigate a cover-up by the liberal elites, no less.
Jesus, help us, but we have a conspiracy theorist in Airbnb.

Do you know how I can make it go away?

“Dan Paddy Andy, I won’t bother with my address for tax reasons.

I rang my
conspiracy
friend No-Vax Vivien and
Before I had a chance to open my mouth, she said
, “That’s what they want you to believe.” I don’t call him anymore.

Now listen to Paddy. I

have delicious news
mistress
that I would like to keep secret for me
long-suffering
wife
and was thinking of jumping over to Ireland from the mainland for a place
of the novel.

Bunty Von Horseface, our codename for Boris, advised me against going to West Cork as it’s full of the right kind of English and you’re bound to come across loose-lipped horses
s
who will go home and tell everyone.

It’s a bit embarrassing because my lover cares terribly for Graham Norton and insists that I absolutely take him to County Cork. Is there maybe a town out there where I could slip under the radar?

— Lord Edmund d’Servant-Spanker, London.

I have a friend in Mitchelstown, don’t ask me how. I called her there and said, do you have many wealthy visitors from England? She said, my daughter Audrey, we don’t even have rich visitors from Fermoy!