60 thoughts I had while watching Netflix’s A Castle for Christmas

There are a lot of wonderful things about the holiday season – getting together with friends and loved ones, eating great food, basking in the glory of togetherness, etc. -coms on Netflix. We have been especially blessed this year with the advent of A castle for Christmas, one of those romantic comedies starring Brooke Shields as a successful author trying to buy a castle in Scotland (relative); let’s dive in and explore the majesty of this movie, okay?

  1. Aerial shots of New York City are interspersed with books Brooke Shields presumably wrote. Oh, and her name is Sophie Brown, but I’m just going to call her Brooke Shields.
  2. Okay, red pantsuit! And a cameo from Drew Barrymore.
  3. Wow, topical; Brooke Shields is canceled because her latest book … killed a character? And are we supposed to believe that people literally take to the streets for this?
  4. Listen if we could survive Grey’s Anatomy kill McDreamy and McSteamy, New York City can survive this.
  5. Oh, damn, Brooke Shields’ husband left her. Classic Rom-com. Will she learn to love again, however?!? She panics The Drew Barrymore Show in a clip that would go absolutely viral.
  6. Brooke Shields’ college-aged daughter is raising a castle in Scotland that her grandfather loved. I wonder if we’ll hear about it again.
  7. I admire this film for wasting about zero time in exposure; Brooke Shields is on her way to the castle in Scotland in the fourth minute.
  8. I have a lot of questions about Brooke Shields’ giant cutout of herself, which she keeps prominently in her living room.
  9. Idyllic-Scottish-village weather!
  10. Hey, this is Cary Elwes! He and Brooke Shields immediately stand, like you.
  11. Wow, Maisie, the front desk clerk at the Brooke Shields hotel, is glad she killed this guy. Turn!
  12. Do these books, like, romance novel Harry potter? Because everyone in this remote Scottish village seems to be intimately familiar with them and with Brooke Shields.
  13. Cary Elwes nobly and generously gives Brooke Shields a tour of the castle, which is suitably giant and pretty and has many blazing fireplaces that I would love to snuggle up to and take selfies with.
  14. “Do you have any meat in your pocket?” Cary Elwes asks as his dog jumps on Brooke Shields, an online delivery that I will think about for the rest of my life.
  15. Brooke Shields sneaks into the forbidden part of the castle, but Cary Elwes grabs her and yells at her. She explains her family connection, but he just doesn’t care.
  16. Brooke Shields and Cary Elwes are mad at each other, which clearly means they’re going to have it off.
  17. Brooke Shields joins the Inn’s Knitting Club and meets all of her quirky characters, including a cute baker and sweet old ladies.
  18. God, so many good sweaters on display.
  19. Ah, so Brooke Shields is actually Irish, and one of her new knitting friends knew her father was dead at the time. Oh.
  20. Oh-oh, the castle is for sale!
  21. Oh, yeah, Cary Elwes owns the castle, baby! And he won’t sell to Brooke Shields! Drama!
  22. Did you know that you are supposed to call a duke “your grace”? I did not do it.
  23. I bet Cary Elwes is mean because he has a dead wife. I’m calling him now.
  24. Okay, Cary Elwes has changed her mind and agrees to sell the castle to Brooke Shields if she moves in right away and stays until Christmas. Because he … loves her! Or because he wants to know she can take care of it. No matter.
  25. Abolish the monarchy and everything, but someday I want Airbnb a castle.
  26. Ah, Cary Elwes has a devious plan to drive Brooke Shields out of the castle.
  27. β€œTo the women who buy castles,” one of Brooke Shields’ new friends toasts over a drink at the inn, and I laugh so hard I throw up.
  28. Ooh, Cary Elwes is a low-key environmental engineer. Hot.
  29. Damn, the castle has a gift shop. I want a mouse pad.
  30. Cary Elwes wears a little cardigan throughout this movie, which I wholeheartedly approve of.
  31. Much of this film focuses on the upkeep of the castle.
  32. Cary Elwes takes a bath with a drink – mood – and doesn’t close the door, so we (and Brooke Shields) can see his bare chest. 10/10.
  33. I need a fact check here; Does Scotland have those little red phone boxes?
  34. Oh, the hostel girls are helping Brooke Shields make the castle more welcoming – that is, turn it into an anthropology outlet.
  35. Oh, nooo, Brooke Shields’ ex is getting married … on Christmas. Dick moves. If my ex got married on Hanukkah, I would go to the ballisto.
  36. Ha, I was half right about Cary Elwes. His wife is not dead, but she made leaving him, which made him bitter.
  37. The makeup artist in this movie messed up Brooke Shields. Too much mascara in almost every scene.
  38. Oh, Cary Elwes and Brooke Shields take a scenic drive through the Scottish lands and see sheep. Cute.
  39. Brooke Shields brings Cary Elwes back to the inn, and everyone sings Scottish songs. Also cute.
  41. Okay, they don’t really kiss. But they should.
  42. Cary Elwes has a very pink mouth. Do we think they put berry-flavored ChapStick on him?
  43. Brooke Shields didn’t do any work on her latest book, which in fact is Reliable. Her agent wants her to come home, but she’s not down.
  44. Question: If you have ever written, say, 20 bestselling books, are you really financially need write a 21?
  45. Cary Elwes is pissed off that Brooke Shields is already so involved in the community, who like … is trying not to be a jerk, Cary Elwes, and maybe they would love you too! He tries to get her to leave too, but she is, again, not dejected.
  46. It’s actually quite strange that Brooke Shields stole Cary Elwes’ dog. Jenny Schecter vibrates.
  47. Oh, Cary Elwes has a name, and it’s Myles. Did we know?
  48. I’ll keep calling him Cary Elwes.
  49. OMG, Cary Elwes and Brooke Shields go foraging a Christmas tree together … on horseback? It seems inconvenient to carry it home, but whatever.
  50. I want a horse. Not to ride, just to … have.
  51. Oh, tree pruning time.
  52. We love to see that this little Scottish village apparently has decent Chinese take out.
  53. Brooke Shields wears a full plaid dress on Christmas Eve that is nothing like Charlotte’s outfit in this episode of Sex and the city where Trey makes her go to the Scottish Gala.
  54. Eek, Cary Elwes isn’t happy that she’s wearing the dress, but at least they’re finally kissing?
  55. Woo-hoo, artfully communicated Christmas sex scene! You don’t see them that much anymore.
  56. Winter time-romance-montage.
  57. Brooke Shields offers Cary Elwes a room in the castle, but it pisses her off. Ugh, engagement-phobe.
  58. Winter-sadness-montage.
  59. Brooke Shields finally packs her bags to go, but – and you won’t believe it – Cary Elwes comes looking for her at the end. True wuv!
  60. Ok it was no Love in fact, but I had a disappointing time. Merry Christmas friends!

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