There are a lot of wonderful things about the holiday season – getting together with friends and loved ones, eating great food, basking in the glory of togetherness, etc. -coms on Netflix. We have been especially blessed this year with the advent of A castle for Christmas, one of those romantic comedies starring Brooke Shields as a successful author trying to buy a castle in Scotland (relative); let’s dive in and explore the majesty of this movie, okay?
- Aerial shots of New York City are interspersed with books Brooke Shields presumably wrote. Oh, and her name is Sophie Brown, but I’m just going to call her Brooke Shields.
- Okay, red pantsuit! And a cameo from Drew Barrymore.
- Wow, topical; Brooke Shields is canceled because her latest book … killed a character? And are we supposed to believe that people literally take to the streets for this?
- Listen if we could survive Grey’s Anatomy kill McDreamy and McSteamy, New York City can survive this.
- Oh, damn, Brooke Shields’ husband left her. Classic Rom-com. Will she learn to love again, however?!? She panics The Drew Barrymore Show in a clip that would go absolutely viral.
- Brooke Shields’ college-aged daughter is raising a castle in Scotland that her grandfather loved. I wonder if we’ll hear about it again.
- I admire this film for wasting about zero time in exposure; Brooke Shields is on her way to the castle in Scotland in the fourth minute.
- I have a lot of questions about Brooke Shields’ giant cutout of herself, which she keeps prominently in her living room.
- Idyllic-Scottish-village weather!
- Hey, this is Cary Elwes! He and Brooke Shields immediately stand, like you.
- Wow, Maisie, the front desk clerk at the Brooke Shields hotel, is glad she killed this guy. Turn!
- Do these books, like, romance novel Harry potter? Because everyone in this remote Scottish village seems to be intimately familiar with them and with Brooke Shields.
- Cary Elwes nobly and generously gives Brooke Shields a tour of the castle, which is suitably giant and pretty and has many blazing fireplaces that I would love to snuggle up to and take selfies with.
- “Do you have any meat in your pocket?” Cary Elwes asks as his dog jumps on Brooke Shields, an online delivery that I will think about for the rest of my life.
- Brooke Shields sneaks into the forbidden part of the castle, but Cary Elwes grabs her and yells at her. She explains her family connection, but he just doesn’t care.
- Brooke Shields and Cary Elwes are mad at each other, which clearly means they’re going to have it off.
- Brooke Shields joins the Inn’s Knitting Club and meets all of her quirky characters, including a cute baker and sweet old ladies.
- God, so many good sweaters on display.
- Ah, so Brooke Shields is actually Irish, and one of her new knitting friends knew her father was dead at the time. Oh.
- Oh-oh, the castle is for sale!
- Oh, yeah, Cary Elwes owns the castle, baby! And he won’t sell to Brooke Shields! Drama!
- Did you know that you are supposed to call a duke “your grace”? I did not do it.
- I bet Cary Elwes is mean because he has a dead wife. I’m calling him now.
- Okay, Cary Elwes has changed her mind and agrees to sell the castle to Brooke Shields if she moves in right away and stays until Christmas. Because he … loves her! Or because he wants to know she can take care of it. No matter.
- Abolish the monarchy and everything, but someday I want Airbnb a castle.
- Ah, Cary Elwes has a devious plan to drive Brooke Shields out of the castle.
- βTo the women who buy castles,β one of Brooke Shields’ new friends toasts over a drink at the inn, and I laugh so hard I throw up.
- Ooh, Cary Elwes is a low-key environmental engineer. Hot.
- Damn, the castle has a gift shop. I want a mouse pad.
- Cary Elwes wears a little cardigan throughout this movie, which I wholeheartedly approve of.
- Much of this film focuses on the upkeep of the castle.
- Cary Elwes takes a bath with a drink – mood – and doesn’t close the door, so we (and Brooke Shields) can see his bare chest. 10/10.
- I need a fact check here; Does Scotland have those little red phone boxes?
- Oh, the hostel girls are helping Brooke Shields make the castle more welcoming – that is, turn it into an anthropology outlet.
- Oh, nooo, Brooke Shields’ ex is getting married … on Christmas. Dick moves. If my ex got married on Hanukkah, I would go to the ballisto.
- Ha, I was half right about Cary Elwes. His wife is not dead, but she made leaving him, which made him bitter.
- The makeup artist in this movie messed up Brooke Shields. Too much mascara in almost every scene.
- Oh, Cary Elwes and Brooke Shields take a scenic drive through the Scottish lands and see sheep. Cute.
- Brooke Shields brings Cary Elwes back to the inn, and everyone sings Scottish songs. Also cute.
- TO KISS! TO KISS! TO KISS!
- Okay, they don’t really kiss. But they should.
- Cary Elwes has a very pink mouth. Do we think they put berry-flavored ChapStick on him?
- Brooke Shields didn’t do any work on her latest book, which in fact is Reliable. Her agent wants her to come home, but she’s not down.
- Question: If you have ever written, say, 20 bestselling books, are you really financially need write a 21?
- Cary Elwes is pissed off that Brooke Shields is already so involved in the community, who like … is trying not to be a jerk, Cary Elwes, and maybe they would love you too! He tries to get her to leave too, but she is, again, not dejected.
- It’s actually quite strange that Brooke Shields stole Cary Elwes’ dog. Jenny Schecter vibrates.
- Oh, Cary Elwes has a name, and it’s Myles. Did we know?
- I’ll keep calling him Cary Elwes.
- OMG, Cary Elwes and Brooke Shields go foraging a Christmas tree together … on horseback? It seems inconvenient to carry it home, but whatever.
- I want a horse. Not to ride, just to … have.
- Oh, tree pruning time.
- We love to see that this little Scottish village apparently has decent Chinese take out.
- Brooke Shields wears a full plaid dress on Christmas Eve that is nothing like Charlotte’s outfit in this episode of Sex and the city where Trey makes her go to the Scottish Gala.
- Eek, Cary Elwes isn’t happy that she’s wearing the dress, but at least they’re finally kissing?
- Woo-hoo, artfully communicated Christmas sex scene! You don’t see them that much anymore.
- Winter time-romance-montage.
- Brooke Shields offers Cary Elwes a room in the castle, but it pisses her off. Ugh, engagement-phobe.
- Winter-sadness-montage.
- Brooke Shields finally packs her bags to go, but – and you won’t believe it – Cary Elwes comes looking for her at the end. True wuv!
- Ok it was no Love in fact, but I had a disappointing time. Merry Christmas friends!
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