What a Carry On Naming Malls

John Bruce, who spotted this sign, says he wouldn’t recommend snacking on one of these tobacco sandwiches. “Very unhealthy,” he adds. “Bread is packed with all those calories, after all.”

James the second

ON SOCIAL MEDIA, a comrade from Falkirk recalls a colleague from Edinburgh who was once asked by an American tourist where he could buy stamps.

“There’s a post office in the St James Centre,” the local guy explained.

“What?” answered the amazed tourist. “You named a mall after Sid James?”

Brought to book

THE POLEMICIST Douglas Murray is in a frustrated mood. The London-based writer, whose father is from Lewis, has a new book coming out, a hard-hitting piece of extended journalism titled: The War on the West: How to Win in an Age of Unreason.

Alas, this harsh critique of today’s society proves less popular than a book of rival weight.

“It gets personal,” insists Douglas. “My next book is getting beat up on Amazon by someone who wrote about a rabbit that isn’t even theirs.”

And the title of the book that denigrates Murray’s masterpiece? It’s not my rabbit… Its tail is too fluffy.

facial facts

WITH Elon Musk threatening to buy Twitter, social media is where to make money. Entrepreneurial reader Malcolm Boyd says, “I have a great idea for a site where you can talk about all your friends. I call it Two-FacedBook.

leap of faith

HERALD writer Alison Rowat recently wrote an article about Boris Johnson, titled ‘With a bound and a fine he’s free’.

William Watson of Carstairs reasonably says, “What else could we expect from a limiter?

name game

FRENCH SUBSCRIBERS Politics will be aware of the worrying generalization of extremist ideology. Reader David Donaldson notes that the head of the country’s television channel, TV5Monde, is not a fan of the country’s far-right politician, Marine Le Pen. Although the hapless broadcasting mogul has a rather embarrassing name for one who stands firmly against Marine and her minions.

His name is Yves Bigot.

Mystified Moggie

I INFORMED my cat that I was going to teach her to speak English,” says reader Jenny Miller. “He looked at me and said, ‘Me? How?'”

Facing the future

Easing of face mask requirements arrived in Scotland this week, which will come as a relief to Nicola Sturgeon, as it will no longer be possible for sneaky snappers to take pictures of our glorious leader when she’s on the go, breaking her own rules.

Although the end of masking is problematic for others, including reader Darren Barrie, who says, “I still have five boxes of disposable masks in the garage that I’m wondering what to do with.”

Darren adds, “My 10 year old daughter has the best suggestion. She wants to use them as tiny little hammocks, so her gerbils can have a relaxing summer and chill out in the garden.


THOUGHTS of the day from reader Elaine Roberts, who says, “Phones are getting smarter and thinner. The reverse is true for their owners.

Alcoholic bibliophiles

“I recently joined a book club for hard drinkers,” says reader Grant Hamilton. “We start with Tequila Mockingbird.”


A DIARY A thread about finding gainful employment reminds Stevie Campbell of Hamilton of the story of a neighbor who showed up for a job interview. This guy was asked if he received any certificates from his old school.

“Just pale,” he said.

“And what was the subject?” asked the interviewer.

“Leave,” the guy said.

curry favor

GENEROUS Nicola Barnes from Cumbernauld would like to tell Diary readers her secret Indian flatbread recipe. “But first,” she warns, “everyone will have to sign a naan disclosure agreement.”

Watch your words

Avid collector of malapropisms, Iain Colvin of Bridge of Weir, has heard some classics in his dealings with family, friends and colleagues. A favorite is “We sing from the same spreadsheet”.

And Tom Law remembers a boss baffled by his company’s decision to bend organizational rules.

This vexed director felt that his company was “skating on thin water”.

Mystery metropolis

“EVERYONE knows where the Big Apple is,” says reader Jason Cook. “Fewer people know where Minneapolis.”

In-flight bite

highland adventure

LOTTIE Fyfe, editor of a London publisher, is in a Mills & Boonish mood, revealing she has retired to the ‘Wild Highlands’ and plans to take her cat to the vet. “If every romantic novel has anything to do with it, I expect to meet a man of devastating beauty, unattached and haunted by a dark and tragic but not sinister past,” Lottie sings (perhaps a little optimistically ).


“I ASKED my hairdresser if she had ever done a henna rinse,” says reader Anne Caulfield. “She said no, but she had bathed her pet dog.”

* Read Lorne Jackson’s diary in The Herald every day

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